When I first became a manager, I immediately started creating immense pressure for myself. I love joking around, but I kept telling myself that I have to be a different person now. More serious, always “on”.
I was convinced that authority was something I had to perform and not something I possessed.
So I put on what I would call the "manager mask." I used more formal language, and tried to present a version of myself that matched a perfect leader. At least according to my understanding at the time.
The problem was that I wasn't actually leading, I would rather call it performing. And that performance presented a terrible choice for the long run. I could either wear that mask forever and eventually despise the manager's job, or I could try to find a balance that allowed me to be somewhat authentic while still being effective.
Becoming a manager isn't about ditching who you are. It's about figuring out how your authentic self can actually run the show.
The manager mask
Most new managers think that what got them here - their energy, their technical skills, their unique point of view - doesn't matter anymore. They believe they need to swap their identity for a pre-approved managerial persona.
So, what is the manager mask? It's safe to say most of us have experienced it one way or another. Shift in posture, sudden adoption of formal language, the way new managers stop challenging ideas and start giving pronouncements. The mask is that forced shift into the role, based on an invisible, rigid script of what a "leader" is supposed to be.
This isn’t about being professional. It's about performing a role, and it is profoundly exhausting.
When you put on that mask, you stop engaging with your team as a flexible, messy human being. And you start engaging as a perfectly polished institution. Every interaction becomes a demonstration of your authority, rather than an exercise in shared problem-solving.
And I guarantee you - the team will notice. They sense the distance and the performance, which makes things awkward. They hesitate to bring you their messiest, most valuable ideas because you've stopped being a person they can trust. The mask creates distance, not respect.
The bad advice that makes it worse
This brings us to an important question - why do we put on the manager mask in the first place as if looking for a cheat code? My guess is that as a new manager you are most likely overwhelmed, tired, and doubting your own authority, so you become desperate for a proven formula.
What drives this search is the fear that who you are right now is not enough for the job. You feel a gap between your internal state (uncertain, messy, tired) and the external role (decisive, always composed, in control).
And the most common advice is: "Fake it till you make it," "Just be confident," or "Never let them see you sweat." These quick fixes are often fueled by the myth of the perfect, flawless leader you see on TV. But remember they are exaggerated characters written for drama, not designed for your actual job.
The problem is these platitudes treat authority like a performance. It tells you to act the part instead of earning it through consistent, honest behavior. And pretending is exhausting. It keeps you anxious that one mistake will expose you.
It doesn't build actual confidence. It just reinforces the lie that your true self is not good enough. Telling you to "just be confident" is as useful as saying "just be rich."
When your leadership depends on a performance, any crack in it feels like failure. And these shortcuts push you further into the mask you're trying to escape.
The real core of leadership
True influence isn’t something you can project. And your job isn't to be a perfect statue of management.
Your job is to be the most clear, consistent, and reliable version of yourself that your team needs. The critical shift is moving from performing the role to simply embodying your position. This requires trust in your own foundation, the competence that got you the promotion, and the values that drive you every day.
When you trust your own competence and let your guard down, you become predictable in the best possible way. Your team knows where you genuinely stand, not where you're trying to stand. A leader who admits uncertainty is way more trustworthy than one who performs unwavering certainty.
When you lead as yourself - both capable and flawed, you give your team permission to be themselves, too. That genuine connection is the source of all lasting influence, and it is far more powerful than any forced display of power.
The mask creates distance. Authenticity creates leverage.
Practical steps to lead as yourself
If you have fallen into the trap of pretending to be someone you are not. I have good news for you. You don't need a massive change. Just start small, with conscious actions that align your internal self with your external role.
Here are a few immediate steps I would suggest to help leading as yourself:
Identify your "Mask Moment"
Begin with self-awareness. When do you feel the strongest urge to stiffen up or adopt that persona? Is it during a performance review? A difficult conversation? A big decision meeting? Just naming the specific trigger for the performance is the first step toward stopping it.
Define your 3 non-negotiable values
Forget what you should value. What 2-3 things do you actually stand for at work? (E.g., clarity, directness, progress, support). These are the true foundations you can lean on instead of the mask. When in doubt, you don't perform, you simply choose the action that aligns with your top value.
Lead with a genuine question, not an answer
In your next one-on-one or problem-solving meeting, resist the urge to immediately correct or direct. Instead, try asking, "What are you seeing here?" or "What's your gut telling you?" This invites genuine participation and signals that you value their input, not just their obedience or their compliance with your “manager brain.”
Show your work (briefly)
When you make a significant decision, don't just announce the outcome. Briefly explain the why or the trade-offs you considered. For example: "I decided to pursue this option because of these reasons, even though these were valid concerns." This simple act builds transparency and trust, which are the real ingredients of influence.
The bottom line
The biggest burden isn’t the work itself. It's the weight of pretending to be someone you’re not. Your team can smell the performance immediately.
You will absolutely change over time. As you should. The experience of leading, deciding, and coaching will organically shape how you are. You will grow into the manager role, but that growth should feel like an expansion of your actual self, not a sudden replacement.
So try not to be "a leader" and just lead. It’s less exhausting, far more effective, and a hell of a lot more enjoyable.
That’s all for today.
See you next Tuesday.