Some people say they love feedback. Good for them.
Most of us? We tolerate it at best. Whether you’re giving it or getting it, feedback is one of the most uncomfortable parts of working with others.
It’s easy to overthink, misfire, or accidentally make things worse.
I’ve tried many feedback methods over the years. Some helped. Some just made things more awkward. But shifting from “feedback” to “mirroring” has helped me actually reach people.
It’s not a perfect fix, but it’s worked more consistently than anything else I’ve tried.
So let’s dive in.
Feedback That Doesn’t Land
We’ve all been told: give feedback. Do it early. Do it often. It’s supposedly the mark of a good manager.
But most of it doesn’t land. Or worse, it causes friction, withdrawal, or quiet resentment.
Vague praise like “Nice work on that deck” leaves people guessing.
Fix-it feedback like “You should speak up more in meetings” might sound helpful but it often feels personal, even if you didn’t mean it that way.
And “constructive criticism” often sounds more like frustration than support.
At best, it’s ignored. At worst, it erodes trust.
Talking More, Helping Less
When feedback becomes a performance, when it’s about sounding smart, offering insight, or “proving” you’re leading, it usually backfires.
You might nitpick things that reflect your style, not actual performance issues.
You might obsess over one moment instead of looking at patterns.
You might forget that a one-way monologue rarely changes behavior. It just shuts people down.
And if the only time they hear from you is when something’s off? That’s not feedback. That’s a warning system.
The Advice That’s Too Shallow to Help
You’ve heard these:
“Be honest and direct.”
“Praise in public, criticize in private.”
“Feedback is a gift.”
They sound good, but without depth, they create false confidence. You end up delivering “honest” feedback that’s actually just blunt. You start following rules instead of using judgment.
Feedback isn’t about rules. It’s about reflection.
Mirror, Don’t Lecture
Here’s what shifted things for me: I stopped thinking of feedback as something I give, and started thinking of it as something I hold up.
A mirror, not a correction. Not a speech or a verdict - just a reflection.
The most useful feedback I’ve ever received didn’t tell me what to do. It helped me see what I hadn’t noticed. A pattern I kept missing. Something that didn’t sit right.
That’s what your team needs too. Not lectures. Not layers of praise and criticism wrapped up like a sandwich.
Just a clearer view.
Five Moves That Actually Help
Start with their view, not yours.
Ask: “What do you think is working right now? What’s not?”
This opens the door and gives them a chance to reflect, before you jump in.
Describe what you’re seeing.
Stick to facts and behaviors: “In a few meetings, I noticed you started talking while others were still finishing their point.”
No judgment. No conclusions. Just the mirror.Look for patterns, not one-offs.
People don’t change based on isolated incidents. They change when they see a pattern they hadn’t seen before.
Make it routine.
Feedback works best when it’s part of regular conversations. Not a surprise performance review or a “we need to talk” calendar invite.Sometimes, say nothing.
Silence can do the work, too. When someone already knows, you don’t need to pile on.
You’re Not the Sculptor
Your job isn’t to shape people into what you think they should be. It’s to help them see what’s really happening. And then give them the space to decide what to do with it.
That’s the difference between trying to fix someone - and actually supporting their growth.