While the feeling of being helpful is generally considered a good trait, in management, it’s usually the case that you suffer a lot more from your kindness than you do from your competence.
I bet what’s really bothering you isn’t that you’re busy, but it’s the fear that if you stop saying "Yes”, everyone will finally realize you have no idea what you’re doing. Or worse, they’ll just think you’re mean.
The truth is, your instinct to be a "Yes-Man" (or "Yes-Manager") isn’t always correct.
For example, let’s say a colleague asks you to "jump on a quick call" to discuss a project that isn't even in your department. You say you’ll be there, but then your boss asks for a report that is actually due today.
Do you tell the colleague you can’t make it and risk looking selfish, or do you do both and produce two pieces of work that barely pass as finished?
Exactly. You do both, and then you spend your evening wondering why your life feels like a constant motion with no momentum.
I think the most effective way of dealing with the inability to say “No” is managing your own unrealistic sense of responsibility.
My strategy is to take what my "Helpful self" thinks will happen (the one everyone is cheering as I carry the team to victory), and contrast it with the much more modest reality based on my past experience.
From there, I can deduce that by saying yes, I’m not actually being a leader. I’m just becoming a very expensive bottleneck.
To fix this I have incorporated a simple system that has saved me many times.
Step 1: Assess the ask
Think of your time like an important financial decision. When was the last time you bought something incredibly expensive on impulse? A car or a house or a $500 smart juicer you were definitely going to use every morning? You didn’t just say “Sure!” to the salesperson. You gathered information and weighed the cost because a bad decision would leave you stuck with something expensive and painful.
The same principle applies at work. Every time you say "Yes", you’re investing your team’s focus. Before you commit, pause. Take what your "Helpful self" thinks this project will be and contrast it with the worst case version. The one where that eats your mornings, evenings, and patience.
Step 2: Clarify the request
Many requests leave out the inconvenient part for a reason. If you jump in too quickly, you’re setting yourself up for a world of frustration.
People often ask for "help" when what they actually want is for you to do their job for them because they forgot how a Powerpoint works.
Instead of nodding, act like an interrogator. Ask the key questions: What exactly is being asked? Who’s involved? What’s the timeline? What does success look like?
You don’t need a full intake form for every request, but for the medium ones, it’s a lifesaver. Get the details before you decide to ruin your weekend. Don’t be caught off guard by something that looks small but grows into a snowball rolling down a hill, picking up everything in its path.
Step 3: Confirm and align
Once you’ve clarified the request, summarize it back to them. This is the part where you realize whether you’re actually talking about the same thing. It’s incredibly unlikely that two people have the same definition of ASAP.
Summarizing confirms you aren't hallucinating and forces the other person to hear how ridiculous their request might be.
When you say, "So, you want me to drop the current priority to help you format a deck no one will read for a meeting that might not even happen?" they might actually realize they’re acting like a colleague who hasn’t thought this through.
Step 4: Make the call - YES or NO
After being disappointed by reality, you might think, “If I just work faster, I can do it all.” Unfortunately, that assumes your capacity still has room to expand. You have to make a choice.
Option 1: The thoughtful NO. A smart "No" isn’t rude, but responsible. Acknowledge the request, give a clear reason based on priorities, and offer an alternative.
Example to use: "I can't take this on right now without compromising [your current priority]. I’d be happy to revisit this next month or point you toward the documentation so you can get started."
Option 2: The effective YES. Saying "Yes" can be powerful, but only if it’s a real choice, not a reflex. If you say yes, don’t just nod, align on the trade-offs immediately.
Example to use: "I can help with this. To make space, I’m going to move [your current task] to next week. Does that work for you?"
Bottom line
Which brings us to the paradox of leadership. You think you’re missing out on being a hero by saying "No", but you only become a leader once you stop trying to save everyone from their own poor planning.
I still like my version where I’m the hero. But if someone has the nerve to ask me for a "quick sync" on Friday afternoon, I’ll certainly be saying no.
See you next week!